Peep Game, Gentlemen!

It is often said that women are complicated (yet lovely) creatures and I won't argue that point.  *shoulder shrug* But!  A man that pays close attention and puts forth any kind of real consistent effort can give his lady friend exactly what she wants.  Even still I understand some men folk need a little assistance in understanding the fairer sex and I am always down to help my fellow man.  I had some ideas and wanted to add to my thinking a bit so I after
some web searching, I came across a list of what women want from men.  It's been a minute band I can't remember who wrote said list or what website I borrowed said list from but kudos to that shero!  If you know her, give her an, "Alright, girlfriend!" for me 'cuz she left very little to chance.  With a few modifications to communicate my sentiments exactly, here goes (44 is the magical number this year):

1. Call.  Avoid only texting.  Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Have a good time with the fellas but don't let the sun beat yo ass home!
4. Always be a gentleman even if we don't know how to receive it.  Some of us need to practice...
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." or "Well…"
6. Ditto for "Is she sexier than me?"
7. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.  She wants a man.  Not a daddy.
8. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
9. Talking is good. Shouting is bad.  Use your inside voice before you find yourself outside, buddy!
10. Slapping is a felony.  Keep your hands to yourself or get ready to call someone to post your bail.  Ain't nobody got time for that!
11. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is tacky. For the most part.
Unless she likes that sort of thing.  #judgefreezone
12. If you ARE going to get her lingerie, get her the kind of things SHE likes to wear - NOT what YOU'D like to see her in.  No.  Clear.  Platform.  Heels.
13. If you don't want another mother, don't act like a child.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever sweeter, prettier, or better in the art of lovemaking.
15. Her cooking is DA BOMB!  If Sugar Hill Gang can handle it, so can you.
16. Anticipating her needs before she asks is a MAJOR turn on.  Try it and thank me later.
17. Dishwashing liquid is your friend. Bust those suds!  And don't forget the pots!
18. Learn to clean in and around the toilet. Especially since YOU are the one who "misses" it.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.  Or guarantee a little "nooky."  Get yo' life!
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody." or "Huh?" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Two words: clean socks. More words...without holes.
22. Two MORE words: clean underwear & you should never have to wash clothes because you ran out of "draws."  Grown men have more draws than a "strong 7."
23. Believe it or not, you're probably NOT more attractive when you've had a few.
24. Making excuses for being a jerk is bad. Learning how to admit you were wrong and apologize, is good.

25. Supportive is good. Patronizing is bad.
26. If you're a bit chunky and out of shape think about your situation before you get to clowning her for needing to get to the gym, patna!
27. No need in asking, "Whose is it?" It's. Hers. That is very, very played out.  Like, circa 1990's...
28. And forget about asking if your "Johnson" is the biggest or the best she's ever had. That's very 20-something and would you really want to know?
29. If you can't bring her to climax don't respond with, "I've never had this problem with anyone else." Sorry...you likely have.  Plus that's just mean.
30. Women do fake orgasms for various reasons in their lifetime. You likely have been a part of one of those reasons.  It happens. *shoulder shrug*
31. She might show more interest in the stuff you want to do if you genuinely show some interest in stuff she wants to do.  That's what Groupon & Living Social is for!
32. Don't accuse her of being sensitive.  That's just…insensitive.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. Feminism is not a bad thing.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it!  Who cares how many times you had to circle around the airport.  Have some flowers in your hand when you see her and kiss her like it's the last time you will see her.
36. "I'm sorry, baby!" or "I was wrong, baby..." can end many arguments.
37. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't show out until she does it for you.  And don't try to fade her out.  Put your big boy draws on and just tell her it's not a good match. She might not like it but she will respect you for being honest.  Seriously.
38. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. Especially if it is to have your way with her.  Tighten up your game, playa.
39. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.  We l o v e that!
40. Remember Valentine's Day.  And her birthday.  And the day you met.  And the day you decided to commit.  And…well, you get the point.
42. Don't ask her to fix your friends up with her friends if you KNOW those cats ain't right.  That will just cause problems for you and her in the long run.
43. Call.  Avoid only texting.  Call.
43. Don't lie.
44. If you like a certain thing *wink wink* so does she.  Don't be stingy.  Your Mama taught you better than that.

See?!?  That's not complicated at all!  A man's list would have what…5 items…and 2 would be repetitive?  And women have them memorized with several more added to clarify items 1 to 5!  Sharing is caring so tell one of your boys.  Mmmmmwah!

Every Summer Has a Story

Summer summer summer time!

Awww, Lawd! *arms flailing in the air*  I bought my first sweater for the coming fall and winter season today.  You. Have.  Got. To.  Be.  Kidding.  Me.  Where has the time gone?!?  Fall is creeping up on us as the sun goes into hiding a little bit sooner each passing day.  I am SO not ready, though!  It seems like just the other day I was sifting through my crowded closet pulling shorts and dresses out from the back to try on just hoping they fit again this year.  "*!%#! Too tight.  Oooo…I can still wear these! Ca-yute!"  I promise not that long ago I was tossing yellowed white t-shirts and tank tops away from last summer. Rediscovering those cute sandals I purchases last year and hardly ever wore.  

The good thing about summer fading away every year though are the memories that flood our minds for years to come.  I mean, there is something magical and special about every summer and if we are lucky there are several magical and special moments!  Some of us try and squeeze everything we possibly can into the summer and others of us just take it one day at time. No matter your approach, there is always a story to tell after summer has come and gone.  And I do love a good story!  

"Do you remember the 21st night…"

My story for the summer of 2014 is all about doing a new thing, you know?  Being open to exciting and fresh experiences with the full intention of discovering a new love of a new thing. Choosing to be spontaneous and letting the day take me wherever it shall.  Plenty of pictures later, I am able to remember all the big and little moments of the Summer of 2014 including:     

Taking long drives along the coast 

Stuffing myself at a seafood boil for my birthday with friends…old and new

Touring plantations in Louisiana…mind blowing!

Restoring a rickety rocking chair and rocking away with a good cigar and Mint Julep on our balcony

Paul Robeson Tomato

Dancing and singing to the pulsating beat of live music with hundreds of other delirious fans

Waiting for those damn tomatoes and peppers to grow in our urban condo garden

Belting out songs in a tiny karaoke dive bar in NYC

Flying through the air on a trapeze with chicks as crazy as me…crazy!

Wine tasting with a novice & getting tipsy *Cheers!*

Deliberately focusing on being happy for 100 days straight

We.  Did.  That!

Out my way we just might be able to squeeze in a few more weeks of summer reminiscent weather and I plan to enjoy every single solitary sunshiny moment.  There is a nice green patch of grass (yeah, we are in a drought) waiting for me to spread my colorful blanket on to enjoy a good book.  I have every intention to catch the perfect sunset.  I just must make time to gaze up at the stars on a clear warm night while I lay back on the hood of my car.  I will keep dropping hints to my old man to take me fishing for the first time, already.  Hell!  I might even join a quick water balloon fight before the crisp air of fall chases me back inside for a scarf. Girl, bye!  I most certainly will NOT get my damn hair wet.  No matter what, I will have a story to tell!  

What is your story for the summer of 2014? 

Namaste. Please & Thank You!

Sitting still and doing nothing has never been easy for me.  My mind is typically racing thinking of alllll I have to do, want to do, need to do, should have done, better do.  It just seems like there is not enough time in the day to get everything done that "seems" important, you know?  My rationale is that checking this and that off my "To Do" list frees me to enjoy life fully so moving consistently is absolutely justified.  The thing is expending all that energy in that way does not leave me feeling settled, a core desired feeling for me for 2014.  *sigh*  With 2014 practically over (What The Hell?!?), I still have plenty of work to do to get me closer to living a more full life.  I found just the thing, too thanks to Oprah and Deepak Chopra.   

21 days ago I decided to join Oprah and Deepak on their 21 Day Meditation Experience.  For 21 days I had the opportunity to practice guided meditation focused on feeling joy, inspired, peace, love, playful, hope, complete and living joy, contentment, kindness, laughter, passion and radiating bliss, grace, being of service and radiating compassion, wisdom, serenity and finally…fulfillment.  Let's be clear, meditation is not an easy thing for me.  Each time I have tried it in the past I left practicing feeling frustrated because it was damn hard!  I could not quiet my mind and felt even MORE stressed with not being able to practice peacefully.  This time around I still struggled with intrusive thoughts during practice but I kept with it.  I'm focused, man!!!

Visualizing and silently repeating the daily mantras helped redirect my thoughts.  Feeling my body literally surrender to the practice with deep cleansing breaths was amazing and encouraging.  The best way to describe the feeling is like sand slowly sifting through a vessel.  With each day that passed along the journey, I actually looked forward to expanding my happy with meditation.  About half way through it became clear to me that I was looking forward to being in a quiet, peaceful, reflective and welcoming space that I created just for me at work and at home.  Now that this part of the journey is over, I am left with a few understandings:    

Taking time for self is not selfish.  It's self affirming.  And necessary.

Sitting still is empowering.  Things can wait.

Quieting the mind is rejuvenating. 

Commitment to a thing is a good thing.  

Getting happy is wonderful.  And expanding happy is amazing!

I am committed to growing more comfortable with meditation by practicing at least once per week.  Finding that sweet spot in between thoughts is now part of my lifelong journey and is definitely worth the effort.  I am determined to have that core feeling of being settled in this lifetime and meditating can only bring me closer to that.  Walking.  Not running.  So eventually I stop and relish in perfect peace beyond understanding.  Believing that all is well and all will be well will free me from worrying and allow me to see the miracle that is this moment in time.  Right here.  Right now.  That is indeed, all that matters. 

Like the old mothers of the church say all the time, "Keep living, baby."  And keep meditating.  "Namaste."

Gimme My Inner Peace

1.  Being centered  

2.  Worrying less.  A lot less.    

3.  Finding the joy in all things…big & small  

4.  Quieting my chattering mind

If I could master or at least practice regularly any of those 4 things?  Hmph!  My life would be absolutely positively without a doubt and most certainly different.  I know Jesus.  I pray.  I surround myself with positive folks.  I read self help books every now and then.  And still I can't quite grasp my hands completely around 1-4.  Because I am yet still on a quest to have a more full life and experience my Core Desired Feelings for 2014, there is work to be done.  *deep cleansing breath*  I am going to practice and grow comfortable with meditation. 

Feeding your soul is a good thing!

Before you clutch your pearls or shake your head in pity, this is not the first time I have considered meditation. The idea has crossed my mind before but it was a short lived effort.  Honestly, I scanned the shelves at Target (pronounced Tar-je') for a video with a cover that looked calming and peaceful, took it home, popped it in the DVR.  I waited for the magic to happen while my poodle, Ziggy sniffed around me as I was sitting quietly trying to get centered, dammit until he finally settled down in my lap.  Wrong.  Wrong.  Wrong!  I grew easily frustrated with how quickly my mind drifted onto trivial things.  "I wonder when that thing I ordered is going to be delivered?"  "Something stinks!"  "Did I pay the cable bill this month?"  Completely random thoughts that left me feeling incompetent and angry with myself for not being able to "settle down" like my mother would say.  I know our minds can wander during our beginning meditation practice but that just seemed ridiculous to me!  Maybe it was my age or even my incompletely thought out motivation for starting the practice of meditation that left me unsatisfied?  Not quite sure but this time feels a bit different.

This time the desire to begin the meditation practice is more grounded in a sense of well being I have been thirsting after this year.  Eight months ago I proclaimed, among other things that I want to feel settled and connected and my work thus far has been pushing me closer to those core desired feelings.  And.  I.  Love.  It.  I can see…and feel…inkling of progress I have made in getting more in touch with how I want to feel in the world and it is leaving me inspired to work towards more growth.  Making the decision to practice meditation fits nicely into my wants for myself and thanks to an invitation from the almighty, Oprah (how the hell does she always seem to know just the thing?) and her pal, Deepak to join their "21 Day Meditation Experience" I am on my way!

This global effort begins Monday, August 11, 2014 and a commitment to the process promises a release of well being to my mind, body and spirit.  At the end of this 21 straight day journey I am looking to have increased my self awareness, be better able to focus on the present, have reduced negative emotions, improved my ability to manage anxiety and having improved my sleeping habits among other things.  Heading into the 2nd half of my time on earth (sorry…that is you, too once you hit 40) finding peace is essential to my quality of life.  

"Just be…"  "Just be…"  "Just be…"  "Just be…"       *deep cleansing breath*

Check the link, register & journey on: https://chopracentermeditation.com

Give Us An Amazing Story to Tell!

About 10 years ago I was one of "those" women.  I watched Sex In The City with Carrie Bradshaw, Miranda Hobbes, Samantha Jones and Charlotte York once a week, excited to see what new dating and love adventure the ladies would get into.  As a matter of fact, my best friend forever in the entire world ever gifted me with the Sex In The City pink velvet deluxe boxed set one Christmas *insert scream* and I can watch it whenever I want.  Anyways.  I related most to Carrie and always rooted for her to find someone better for her than that damn, Mr. Big.  As a matter of fact, I think I had my own Mr. Big at the time!  Like most single and never been married women Carrie and I have met and dated a good number of men and have plenty of stories to tell for it.  Whether the connection was long lasting, fleeting or simply a bad fit…women have story after story after story of what it is like to date in current times.  If my experience and that of my girls are any indicator, most women have stories that are lackluster simply because the imagination and effort that once went into dating by men has just about vanished.  

Season 6, episode 13 in 2004 titled, "Let There Be Light" introduced us to Carrie dating that deep Russian artist cat, Aleksandr Petrovsky.  'Member him?  Mmmm hmmm.  He was smooth, that Aleksandr!  Wise.  Gentlemanly.  Mysterious.  Cultured.  Worldly.  Impressive.  Now we all know at this time in the series Carrie's flame for Mr. Big flickered ever so slightly despite him marrying another woman, Carrie being his mistress and tearing herself from him to only become his friend again and eventually marry him after he left her at the altar thoroughly embarrassing her in front of New York society and more importantly…her girls.  That's not the point!  The point here is that though their love affair ended, while they were dating The Russian seemed to know how to create special moments and make Carrie feel absolutely...golden.  What woman doesn't want to feel golden?!?  He knew how to date her and fully immerse himself in the the process and completely enjoy himself.  Dig this:  After their first date The Russian was out of touch for a bit and followed up with a short and simple handwritten note he mailed to Carrie's home that simply asked if she wanted to go for a walk with him.  She was tickled (hell, I was tickled!), gushed a little and easily obliged.  They took a leisurely stroll through Central Park for that date, enjoyed the simplicity of one another's company and "Wa-La!"  She had a fantastic dating story to tell her girls over eggs the next time they all got together.

This kind of thing doesn't have to only happen on television or in the movies.  We can have the same experiences that Carrie and 'nem have, dammit!  With that being said  I would like to take this opportunity to invite single men to creatively and enthusiastically date women of interest.  Hell, while I'm at it let me extend that same invitation to men that are married or otherwise committed!  Men!  Be an active dater.  And no need to fret, dating doesn't have to be costly at all, really.  If it does, that woman is likely not the one for you so save yourself the frustration (but that's another blog).  It's the imagination and effort put into the date that makes all the difference.  Keep it simple.  Listen to what she says and go with that to discover what she likes.  Be unconventional.  Put male ego and pride to the side.  Invite her to join you in an experience.  Borrow from the old school and blend it with the new.  Sit with her for a spell and watch the day pass by.  Grab the chance to gaze at the stars and share stories with her.  Ride a ferris wheel.  Catch a sunset.  Paint her toes.  Cook a meal together.  Take her for a bonfire on the beach and tell her to bring the marshmallows.  *scribbling that one down to whisper to my old man*  The possibilities are endless…

Be that gentlemen most women are waiting to happen upon or rediscover.  Date us.  Enthusiastically.  Creatively.  With all great purpose.  Leaving us with a great story to tell!

A Closed Mouth Don't Get Fed!

When is the last time you actually asked for what you want? 

I mean, REALLY asked for what you want?  Not the easy asks that come and go day to day. "May I have some water?" "Would you mind grabbing such and such for me?"  No.  I am talking about the asks that are much harder and those we typically avoid.  You know, those asks that we should be making of our family, our lovers, our close friends and even our employers.  The asks that the mere thought of asking leave us feeling the most vulnerable and the least powerful.  Those asks that we dance around making and eventually lead us to acting out behaviors that are supposed to signify we are unhappy to the person that should be paying the most attention.  Crazy making...

If you are anything like me it is no easy task to find your voice and clearly ask for what you want and wait for that thing to come to fruition.  It is not easy to be fully prepared to accept whatever response comes your way. And it is certainly not easy to respond accordingly…can't forget that.  It is much easier to dance around what needs to be asked and settle with what we get, having made no real attempt to have what we want.  Just keep quiet instead of mustering the courage to find our voice and make a simple ask for what we want.  But is that truly living? 

If we are to be comfortable asking for what we want it's absolutely critical that we rethink ingrained messaging about what it means to ask for what we want.  That subliminal messaging is all around us if someone isn't outright speaking it to us, right?  Myth:  A woman that asks for what she wants from a man she is dating is needy.  Wrong.  She is clear.  Myth:  A relative that asks another relative for support is weak.  Wrong.  That person is resourceful.  Myth: An employee that asks for what he wants from his employer is audacious. Wrong.  He is driven.  Myth:  A friend that asks another friend to stop discouraging her dreams is being sensitive.  Wrong.  That friend is protecting her dreams and is committed.  Myth:  People will disappoint you anyway so save yourself the upset and keep quiet.  Wrong.  The right people will meet you at the point of your need and show up for you if given the chance.  

With all that mess out of the way we can actually imagine practicing asking for what we want.  Here we go:

1.  Get clear…crystal clear…about what you want specifically 

2.  Make your ask of the person at a time and in an environment 

conducive to a serious discussion

3.  Be prepared for whatever response or reaction you get after your ask

4.  Make the necessary adjustment after the response since this 

will be necessary either way

5.  Ask again the next time a need presents itself

Like most of us, there is something in your life you want and are not getting because you haven't asked for it.  And that's not fully living.  It is empowering and liberating when we are honest with ourselves around our needs and wants. When others watch us practicing having what we want some will be inspired and others will feel threatened.  That's fine and no worry of ours.  We do not need permission to have what we want and that's what makes this absolutely doable.  Ya dig?  So!  Let's get to it, good people. What should you be asking for? Like your Mama, Big Mama, Mah Dear, MeMaw and Auntie always say, "A closed mouth don't get fed!" Get.  To. Asking.  

"Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it!"  ~Maya Angelou

It's Been A Minute...

Naps with chimes on the balcony…happy!

Shame.  On.  Me!  *hangs head & slumps shoulders*  In January I had this amazing vision to begin a blog about my thoughts…nothing grand and unordinarily special...and I was on a roll, baby!  For about 3 months.  And then I hit a wall.  *s c r e e c h*  My enthusiasm and energy for putting my thoughts into written form just faded from me.  What the hell?!?  I stopped looking for pretty pictures to add to my blogs.  That's the fun part!  Can't tell you the last time I added a quick note to my iPhone to inspire a blog later.  I just could not figure it out but something was definitely missing.  I was not inspired.  Until a little over 100 days ago.

Sunday morning ritual…happy!

My last blog entry at the end of April discussed how I stumbled upon this really fascinating idea floating around Facebook or some other social networking site I frequent.  The idea was to take the next 100 days in your life to find something that made you happy every day for 100 days, take a picture of that something, state the reason why that something made you happy and post it to Facebook or Instagram with the hashtag #becauseimhappy.  

There was just one thing, though.  According to the folks that made this challenge, 71% of the people that attempted the 100 Days of Happy thus far failed to complete the challenge for one simple reason.  They simply did not have time.  To be happy. To stop and acknowledge a little bit of happy in their hectic lives every day for 100 days.  I was up for the challenge though and decided to dive in.  Both feet firmly planted in the notion that every single day there is something to be happy about.  Even in my darkest hour.  

Working with my hands…happy!

Well!  I am happy to say while I was away from this here blog…that so excited me at the start of the year…I was sortofkindawemightaswellsayIwas blogging in another way.  I shared this experience with a few special women on Facebook and am happy to say I am among the 30% of people that took and completed the 100 Days of Happy Challenge.  I even took it a step further and posted my happy for 100 days on Instagram for any and everyone to see.  *side note…type #becauseimhappy on Instagram and you just might run across 1 of my 100 happy posts.  I pushed through those 100 days and here is a little of what I learned about little old me:

Farmers Market loot…happy!

• Seeking happy every single day broadens your perspective of what makes you happy
• Rituals make me happy 
• Unexpected bargains make me happy…WINNING! 
• Watching black men love on their children makes me happy  
• Being brave makes me happy  
• Traveling makes me happy  
• Working with my hands makes me happy 
• Small happies are often the biggest happies 
• Making & keeping a home for people I love makes me happy  
• Taking time for myself makes me happy  
• Watching children play makes me happy 
• It's necessary to squint to see happy when it seems like it's hiding from you & you must keep squinting until you see it  
• Witnessing people be free makes me happy  
• Trying something new for the first time makes me happy  
• Reconnecting with long lost friends & supports makes me happy  

Traveling…happy!

Developing a new habit takes time, especially when you are a grown ass woman.  And effort.  And attention.  But if we stay focused on the task at hand and enjoy the journey along the way, we are better for it.  I'm better for it because now I am able to notice those small happies every single day with very little effort.  Not the typical happies with your man, your money or your food.  I am talking about small happies that offer perspective and leave you marveling that you never noticed such a thing before.  Yep!  That kind of happy.  It's been wonderful for my spirit and certainly has helped decrease the level of stress that easily washes over me day in and day out.  Absolutely positively without a doubt and with great certainty worth the effort.  For 100 days straight.  Get your happy and keep it!  I most certainly will.  #becauseimhappy  

Can you make time for 100 Days of Happy?  
Whenever you are ready...