A Daughter's Father Should...

I have fantasies about him and the possibilities of my secret wishes where he is concerned are grand, grand, grand!  Oh, he is tall and dark and has the brightest, whitest teeth that ease into a smile that is comforting and mischievous all at once.  His favorite pair of sneakers are low top white Converse (never dirty) that he usually pairs with a relaxed set of jeans that are tattered and worn.  He enjoys traveling and never forgets to bring me a rare find whenever he is back home.  So many that I have a bookshelf at home lined with these treasures! He prefers me to be adventurous and spontaneous, which I only manage when I am with him.  He is protective of me and can't help telling his friends about the latest thing I have done.  He answers my calls whenever he sees our picture pop up on his iPhone that I insisted he buy.  He surprises me every so often with a card in the mail just when I need a little extra love.  He is a praying man but can do without the 2 hour Sunday morning services that interfere with him reading the paper over a cup of coffee (with a lil' 'sumthin in it).  My girlfriends delight when he's around because he has a way with the softer sex.  My boyfriends can't imagine they will ever be able to compete with him.    

*sigh*  I wish I knew him, you know?  I mean…any little bitty teeny tiny thing about him would be soooo cool to know.  I wish I knew how he looks.  I wish I knew how he smells.  I wish I knew how his voice sounds.  I wish I knew what he would think of me if he knew me.  I just wish I knew.  Something.  Anything.  About my biological father.  I would not know him if he walked up to me, hugged me real tight and inquired about my day.  I have never met him.  I don't know if he knows I exist.  I don't know his name.  I don't know where he is from.  I don't know who his people are.  I.  Just.  Don't.  Know.  

There is plenty of talk everywhere about the value of fathers in the lives of their daughters, specifically for black girls that become black women. Based on my experience, I concur completely and I know a few things to be true for me, a grown black woman that did not benefit from knowing or having her biological father in her life.  I know that the absence of my biological father in my life has interfered with my managing healthy, mature and loving relationships with men.  I know I have struggled with believing I am enough at times because I do not know my biological father.  I know I have to work very hard to soften parts of my heart that have been hardened as a result of not knowing my biological father.  

But!  I am more fortunate than others of us that share my childhood story.  I have been blessed to have an unlikely heaven sent father figure find his way into my life and my world is SO much better with him in it.  I get to see his example of manhood in the world and look for that in men I allow in my life, romantic or platonic.  And I am grateful for that.  Yet and still the consequences of not knowing my biological father for 43 years are deep, far reaching and life altering.   Every single day I am working against allowing his absence to take a stronghold on my life and it is no easy task.  I wonder often what kind of person I would have become had I known my birth father as a child?  How would my choices have been different?  Would my journey have been smoother?  Would my accomplishments have been greater?  Would my burdens have been lighter? 

Many, many times I have imagined what I would have wanted to hear from my biological father if he were present in my life as a little ashy brown girl.  An article I stumbled upon a while ago where the author said she asked her baby girls what they needed to hear more often from their Daddy summed it up nicely.  This is what her brown babies said they wanted to hear from their Daddy:

"I love you.”

“You look beautiful today.”

“You’re going to do great today.”

“I’ll always love you no matter what you do.”

“You can talk to me about anything.”

“Having you was one of the best days of my life.”

We better listen to our children!  While the author believes the father of their little black girls to be amazing and awesome and mighty, she still discovered there was more he could do to support the healthy development of their women children.  Black fathers using their words to affirm their love for their daughters..out loud and in their faces…can't be underestimated.  That simple demonstration is the best example of what we can have in the men we will grow to love.  That daily pouring of affirmation into our fragile cup of self esteem that is at risk whenever we step foot out of our protective, loving homes is just what we need.   

At 43 years old, I am certain my life experiences in love, work & the world in general would have been vastly different if I heard even 1 or 2 of these 6 things from a biological father I have never met & likely does not even know I exist.  And even still, I love him more than he will ever know.  At least the idea of him.