I Am My Mother's Daughter

Linda Dayle McDaniel, maiden name Jordan.  That's my birth mother's name.  I wanted so much to name the URL for this blog, "I Am My Mother's Daughter."  It took me some time to come up with a blog name that I hoped would capture people's attention, which was important based on everything I read from blog experts around the internet.  Right when I was growing frustrated it came to me!  "I Am My Mother's Daughter", through and through and it just sounded right, you know?  It summed me up and was what I needed to get the courage to post my very first blog.  I typed the name into Blogspot excited to get started but it was already taken.  And every variation of that name was taken, too.  Damn!  Damn!  Damn!  *cue my Florida Evans impersonation*  I was so disappointed and closed my laptop until I was ready to start the creative process all over again.  But coming up with the name that would never be used led to me reflect on parts of my journey thus far that have led me to right where I am at this very moment.  

My life changed when I was 14 years old and so began the gradual fading of good memories I kept locked away of my mother with each passing day.  The mother that I knew for the first 14 years of my life left me in a blink of an eye, right after she took that first hit off some random, dirty crack pipe.  Before crack my mother, though incredibly flawed...was loving, committed, witty, brave, defiant, strong, powerful and definitely a survivor.  If nothing else.  What is now close to a 30 year crack addiction has sucked most of that goodness from my mother.  Wherever she in the midst of her addiction she is desperate, helpless and wandering.  My mother is barely recognizable to anyone that knew her before she started chasing that elusive first high. She has aged considerably, her skin is darkened from being exposed to the sun most days without a place to stay and she barely weighs 100 pounds soaking wet.  Crack is a helluva drug.  

So, I hold on fiercely to any memory I have of the tall, beautiful and graceful mother I know that keeps me connected to who I remember her to be before crack.  And that includes me.  Without a doubt I am my own best reminder of who my mother was…before.  All I have to do is look at myself in the mirror or study my reflection in the eyes of those that know and love me to see Linda Dayle McDaniel, maiden name Jordan.  The best parts of me and the parts of me that need attention are a direct reflection of my mother's presence in my life for 14 years and the lasting effects of her absence.  My mother is all over me because just like her I...

The night I found my mother circa 1999...

• struggle with allowing men that want to love me to assume a leadership position in my life
• have a loud, raucous laughter that fills a room causing complete strangers to look over to see what is so damn funny
• have thick, wide eyebrows that are often the envy of others that I refuse to arch
• have a slick tongue that I fight to control lest it gets me trouble…and it has!
• love a good, hot bubble bath with a liberal dusting of Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder afterwards
• need to be more disciplined with saving money
• will do whatever I have to do to avoid depending on someone else to help me.  Yeah, that's problematic.
• have these high, sloping cheekbones set in my square jaw line that are becoming more pronounced the older I get
• can make a dollar out of fifteen cents!
• call people, "Baby…" without even realizing it
• have soft, thin, tissue like hair that most days I can do nothing with
• assume the role of caretaker with people I am concerned for
• have long toes that look pretty good with a simple pedicure and long graceful fingers with fingernails that grow in very white
• have a great appreciation for the mighty, mighty Earth, Wind & Fire.  Best.  Band.  Ever!
• have a wide forehead that was called a "five head" in a good round of the dozens amongst my childhood friends
• have no problem being in charge since folks don't know like I know, so I may as well show them what I know  #ineedtotakeseveralseatsattimes

Over the past 30 years I have come to terms with my birth mother's choices that led her down the path of addiction.  I've forgiven her for exposing my 2 younger sisters and I to a childhood marred by domestic violence and instability while she struggled to raise us like countless other single, poor mothers in the South Central, Los Angeles.   I have lamented the loss of the person I could have become had my life not been interrupted at 14 years old due to my mother's addiction (I so wonder who I would have been…).  I have wallowed in pools of tears over the years mourning the loss of the mother I once knew.  There were good times…before, you know?  

But I am done with all of that now.  Today I have chosen to surrender my mother's fate, wherever she is, to God's will for her life.  And that simple but hard act has allowed me to enjoy the life I have today.  
I am choosing to be more than my previous experiences so I can have what I want.  And when people see me now it warms my spirit to know they can point me out and say, "She is Faith Margaret…"