Can I Get A Reference, Please?

"Love & War Tuesdays"

Tuesday's blog is reserved for discussions about acknowledging our desire for love, positioning ourselves for love to find us, risking vulnerability to nurture and maintain love and surviving love lost to find the strength to love again.

"Congratulations!  You've got the job!"  We keep our phone near us waiting for that call when we are searching for a job.  I mean, everything we have done up to that moment is in preparation for that call if we are serious about getting the job that's right for us.  Refreshing our resumes to keep up with today's hottest template.  Making our way to the mall to find a suit that communicates the right message to the potential employer.  Pondering interview questions and practicing with friends the most appropriate response to each.  Speaking of which…how should we answer the question that asks what our weaknesses are, anyways?  I digress.  Researching the company we are interviewing with so we can appeal directly to their interests.  Taking care to arrive early for the interview so as not to be a minute late.  Being mindful to answer every question fully and look directly in the eyes of every person on the panel.  Clearly communicating our strengths and why we are the best person for the job.  Sending a follow up correspondence to the potential employer that thanks them for the opportunity and further communicates our sincere desire to join their team.  It's all a part of the process to get the job we want.

Once we are on the job we do our best to perform to the company's standards and even beat their expectations.  We report to work on time, early even!  We do more than what is asked of us.  We are dependable.  We clearly communicate on the job.  We assist other team members without their having to ask.  We take the initiative.  We practice being creative.  We do our part to grow the company.  We take feedback and apply what we have learned.  We advance through the ranks.  We work with integrity.  And when it is time for us to move on to the next exciting job opportunity we ask for a reference that highlights our commitment to the company, which they happily give because we were that commendable of an employee.  Job well done!

I wonder what would happen if we approached love relationships in the same way we do employment?  What if we practiced being our best self in preparation to be in a relationship with someone that is a good fit for us?  In the same way we prepare for a new job.  What if we made it a point to be grown up and talk our way through relationships?  In the same way we communicate in leadership positions on our jobs?  What if we thought of our future in advance and proceeded accordingly with someone in relationship?  In the same way we plan to promote on our jobs?  What if we practiced leaving relationships gracefully instead of creating drama to escape a love affair or simply fading away into the background?  In the same way we transition from one job to the next.    

So, here's the question:

Would the last few persons you dated and/or had a relationship with offer you a glowing reference or would they politely acknowledge they dated you but would not date you again?     

I would like to think the last few persons I dated would give me a recommendation, if I asked.  And we are starting there because those cats got the better, new and improved Faith Margaret than the struggling Faith Margaret of the distant past.  Not quite sure it would be glowing and all but I would like to think if asked they would admit to considering dating me again.  A few highlights might read:

QUALIFICATIONS

• Effective communicator though can be a bit wordy, lengthy, verbose
• Dependable, to a fault at times
• Takes feedback & actually seeks it out.  Give often to assure satisfaction & retention
• Helpful to others but needs reminders to help self first
• Hard working and attentive to details

I am doing my work to improve my qualifications that make me a good candidate for a relationship.  Some training here, a bit more there, some transfer of learning exercises and I should get a glowing reference going forward just in case I have to ask someone I have dated, "Can I get a reference, please?"   

We Must Say, "Goodbye…"

"Have mercy, Jesus!"  That's the first thing that came out of mouth when one of my staff burst through the door one late afternoon at work and told me that another one of my staff just collapsed in his office.    My boss and I rushed down 2 flights of stairs to see what was happening and there he was lying on the floor behind his desk absolutely helpless and fading, fast.  In that moment, it felt as if time had slowed down the way it does in the movies.  It was eerily quiet despite 30 plus staff witnessing the activity while we tried our best to save this man's life.  There was no screaming, no wailing, just 3 determined people following the directions of the paramedic on the phone to pump his heart for him until help arrived.  Some of us called his name and offered words of comfort hoping he would know we were all with him.  Others of us froze with fear overwhelming us while tears flooded our eyes.  I whispered prayers for his soul while we went through the steps of CPR until the real heroes came through the door and did what they are trained to do.  As the doors of the elevator closed with the paramedics breathing for him with a machine pumping his heart strapped to his chest one of them said, "Good job today!  You all saved his life."

For about 3 weeks this man lingered in a coma induced state with machines breathing for him while doctors ran test after test to find an explanation for his medical crisis.  Doctors ruled out all types of medical conditions and finally settled with his heart suddenly had a serious malfunction that rendered him helpless and caused him to collapse instantly.  Most people do not survive this type of medical emergency after they collapse according to the doctors and yet he was still with us.  We all hoped for the best…prayed for the best…but ultimately were faced with the reality that though he survived the initial trauma, he suffered severe brain damage.  His doctors advised when he awoke he would exist in a completely dependent state for the rest of his natural life with very little brain functioning.  And when he woke the doctor's prognosis was proven true.

His wife was gracious enough to offer me the opportunity to see him one more time before they allowed nature to take it's course and bring upon his death.  I sat alone with him in his hospital room very much afraid with the random beeps of the machines and stillness of him lying in the bed.  I have never been comfortable with death and have experienced very little death in my adult life.  After some time, I mustered enough strength to just talk to him.  I told him how much everyone cares for him at work.  I told him how much I value him in my life.  I told him I wanted him to rest peacefully and see God's glory shining brightly upon his face.   I told him, "Goodbye."     I kissed him on his forehead and left him resting knowing that would be the last time I would see him among the land of the living.  Two days later, just about 3 weeks after he collapsed at work...he surrendered his brave fight and his spirit ascended to Heaven.

Throughout this process I was overwhelmed with a heaviness and sadness I have never experienced before.  The only thing I knew to do to help me through my grief was to help his family.  To be of service to them was my my way of showing my gratitude for who he was in my life, you know?  I needed to help his family with resolving his work affairs.  I needed to help his family with understanding what I witnessed the day he collapsed.  I needed to help his family know how much he loved them based on what he shared with me at work.  I needed to help his wife push through days that threatened to take her under.  In all of this helping I was reminded of a few things that are important to remember when we are put in position to comfort someone that has suffered the loss of someone they love:

1.  When I did not know what to do in my desire to want to comfort his family, the best thing I could do was just be present.  A call, a text, an email or even simply sitting with someone that is grieving and saying nothing can be a great comfort.

2.  It's not about me so I resisted any attempt to tell them I knew what they are going through because I went through the same thing at some point.  I could not have possibly understood what they were going through since their entire life's story with him was coursing through their grief.

3.  When I asked if they needed anything and they said they did not, I did something anyways.  Most times loved ones are just trying to catch their next breath and they really don't know what they need.  Whatever we offer now will come in handy later, so bring or give something.

4.  Death is a major event and not once did I ever say to his family,  "You are going to be fine." or "It's alright."  The truth is they may not be fine...for a very long time.  And THAT is perfectly fine.

5.  Though it was important to me in my grieving process to make sense of my staff's death, I did not offer that suggestion to his family.  That is for them to come to terms with, when they are ready, if they are every ready.

We celebrated his life today and a sea of well wishers surrounded his family on every side.  It was awesome to see how many people were touched by this man and wanted to honor his memory with laughter, stories, tears and plenty of libations!  It's my prayer that today is just what was needed for his family to move forward in their new normal.  And that they find the courage to continuing living, loving, reaching and achieving which is exactly what he would have wanted them to do.  That man lived a good life!  A full life.  And my life is better because he walked a few miles with me along my journey.  Rest easy, good man.  Rest easy...

I'm A GROWNNN Woman...

"Ooooo!  I can't wait 'til I'm grown!"  Remember saying that or something just like that when you were a kid?  It usually came out of your mouth through clenched teeth with your arms crossed defiantly across your chest because of something your Mama or Daddy would not let you do.  No?  Maybe?  Well, I most certainly do!  I can't tell you how many times I muttered those words under my breath when I was a child (I certainly wasn't fool enough to let my mother hear me say them).  I wasn't that damn crazy!  Anyways.  It just seemed as if everything that was worth doing you weren't able to do as a kid, you know?  My young mind just assumed all of that would go away once I was "grown."  Well...   

Being grown has it's perks, for sure.  You can go to bed whenever you want and be dead dog tired at work in the morning.  You can choose to not clean your room if you don't mind damn near breaking your neck as you stumble over clothes and shoes in the morning.  You can spend your money on whatever you want and dodge credit collectors when they call.  Persistent little buggers, aren't they?!?  You don't have to do nary a damn thing if that's what your grown heart so desires.  Oh, but there's more!  At some point your grown up self has to toss those things to the side that make absolutely no sense for a grown up to do, much less a grown woman, even though you can do them.  

So!  I started thinking about just what I am too damn grown to do at 43 years old and this is what I came up with (imagined one night recently when I stayed up late to watch "Saturday Night Live," WHICH my Mama would not let me do as a child and I vowed I would do when I got "GROWN"):

1.  Giving checks to folks and telling them to not cash them until "such and such" date.  I am better off saying I don't have it or need a little bit more time to pay what I owe.

2.  Making friends with women that like to fight.  Like...'cuss you out, call you out of your name (you know what I am talking about), scratch your face & pull your hair kind of fighting.  What I look like running to a hospital and telling the Attending my girl and I got into it with some hipster, granola eating, Jesus Shoes (aka Birkenstocks) wearing woman at Whole Foods when she cut us in line?

3.  Using the "N word."  Period.  At all.  Can't justify it.  Not buying it.  Just.  Can't.

4.  Committing to do things I do not want to do for whatever reason I do not want to do them.  And I do not have to offer an explanation, either.  No means no!    

5.  Avoiding eating alone or going to the movies alone or doing anything in public alone for fear of how it might "look."  A little "Faith Time" is sometimes just what's needed and if we can't enjoy our own company?  Well, that's just sad.

6.  Waiting for a man to think enough of me to buy me flowers "just because."  Treating myself to something beautiful every now and then is a good thing.  Go buy you some flowers, girl!

7.  Allowing a relationship...any kind of a relationship...to end with angry, bitter words left between the other person and I that came hurling out of my mouth.  You know the kind of words that you wish you could stuff back in your mouth and gulp down before it registers with the other person just how mean and nasty you are being?  Yep!  Those words.    Even if I don't get the same effort in return from that person, it is absolutely worth the humbling to clear my conscience.

8.  Running out of panties because I have not washed clothes.  Fix your face and don't laugh!  Folks actually do this.  Seriously!  That is exactly why I buy panties like bubble gum (and I do love a good wad of sweet, juicy bubble gum) to avoid ever, ever, ever running out of fresh, clean panties.  #shewasheseveryweekend

9.  Refusing to say, "I am sorry…" when I know I am wrong.  Another blog on why it can be so hard for us to apologize is in queue.

10.  Not finding my voice and asking for what I want.  When we were kids we asked for any and everything to the point where our parents would say, "Don't you ask me for anything else!"  What happened to that bravery?  The worst that can happen is the answer is, "No" so then we just think of another way to ask for what we want at another time.  

We all have to put on our big girl panties (or shoes) and get on with it sooner or later, right?  Recognizing when there is room for improvement is a good thing.  Especially when we are grown!  Like Yonce' says, "I'm a GROWNNNNN woman.  I could do whatever I want!  Whatever it IS!"  *Side note:  anyone else besides me fascinated with how she manages to growl through the words of her songs?*  

I Can Be What You Call, "Hard-Headed" But...

"Love & War Tuesdays"

Tuesday's blogging is reserved for discussions about acknowledging our desire for love, positioning ourselves for love to find us, risking vulnerability to nurture and maintain love and surviving love lost to find the strength to love again.

I can count on one delicate hand how many times I've 'sho 'nuff (if you haven't noticed yet that's a favorite word of mine) been in love.  Not that fleeting, heart panting one day but can't remember if we had sex years later, kind of love.  No suh!  I'm talking about that snotty and red nosed, weeping even 
w a i l i n g, stayed in bed for days crying when it ended kinda love.  Let's see...  

Thumb:  There was that cat my freshmen year of college...fun times!  

Index finger:  And that dude my senior year of college.  Bless his heart.

Middle finger:  Can't forget the man I loved that didn't love me back.  Bastard!  I mean, what's not to love about me?!?  Moving on...

Ring finger:  Oh!  And the one I cried a river over through the years until I admitted it is what it is that to this day still tells me, "I was going to marry you..." *side eye*

Pinky finger:  My present love and pretty much the bestest boyfriend I've ever had in my whole entire life. *gushing & playing with my fingers*

With each leap into love there has been lesson after lesson that should have prepared me for the next falling.  But!  I can be a bit hard headed so it's taken some time. From believing men when they have shown me who they are the first time, to admitting I was the one that chose wrong, to realizing long distance relationships don't work without a definite plan for somebody to move.  I've been paying attention with this journey in love, taking notes and here is what I am getting so far this time around in love:

1.  Every argument is not the last argument.  When you did not benefit from seeing men and women argue and still love on one another instead of packing up their crap and bailing, this lesson is hard to get.  And trying to be perfect in love to avoid making your partner decide they want to do something else is exhausting!  Save yourself the worry and believe this argument won't be the LAST ARGUMENT.

2.  You're going to need your girlfriends just like you did before you fell in love. So, come up for air and talk on the phone with your girls, have cocktails, coffee and tea with your girls, take trips with your girls. And leave HIM at home. And for goodness sakes, stay off text with him while you're out with your girls!  He's a big boy & can handle you having a life outside of him. Because he certainly has one outside of YOU. Mmmm hmmmm...

3.  As a couple you develop and grow at your pace.  Stop with the comparing, already!  When people ask you, "When are you getting married?" politely ask them, "Why is that important to you?"  That will end that.  Your task is to focus on building and maintaining a strong foundation and trusting your process not running to the bridal shop to make some arbitrary deadline you've created.    

4.  There are highs and lows in every relationship but mostly your relationship is in this average cruise control kind of place.  All that extra stuff you did when you first connected and were newly in love?  There becomes less and less of that as you grow more and more comfortable with one another.  And that's just fine.  It's a marathon  Not a sprint.

5.  If you don't love his children you don't really love him.  If he doesn't have any children, well…I guess this one ain't for you!

6.  And. And. And!  If you can't peacefully exist with the mother of his children you're really not as grown as you think you are. 

7.  Keep a white peace flag handy because you're gonna need it when s!$t gets real!  Somebody has to surrender their position in an argument to get to the place of resolve.  Give up the right to be right and work towards being heard and understood.  

8.  He doesn't know if you don't tell him. Speak up, dammit!

9.  Going to bed angry is simply not a good idea.  Like my mother used to tell me when I was a little girl and I was upset about whatever,  "Fix yo damn face!"  Love on that man before you say, "Goodnight" since tomorrow is not promised and there is plenty of time to work through whatever is troubling you.

10.  If he has 3 of your "Top 5 Must Haves," that cat is a'ight and worth exploring the possibilities with.  You likely don't have all of what he is looking for, either and you're still in the game.  Side note...if you have more than 5 "must haves" get thee a new sheet of paper and start all over!  You're probably doing too much.

I am hoping to be an above average student in the subject of having love and thriving in relationship.  The closer I pay attention, the better I perform when the tests come.  And there will always be tests!  We can have what we want!  Are you practicing being a lifelong learner by paying attention and taking notes?   

"Friends! How Many Of Us Have Them?" ~Whodini

From as early on as I can remember, I was that little girl on the playground that had to find a bunch of other little girls to play with.  This special little group of us could not stand to be apart and we did whatever we could to share each other's space.  If you wanted to be our friend…cool.  But you best know how to double dutch or at least not turn double handed!  We would scamper to sit on the rug for "Circle Time" together.  We made sure we were standing in line right in front of or behind one another when it was time for recess.  We ran to the bathroom together.  We hugged each other real tight after school when we went the opposite ways home.  We shared our ice cream truck money to be sure everyone got a "Grab Bag" and if there wasn't enough change we would pass that Bomb Pop around the circle for licks until it was gone.  We.  Were.  Girls!  

I am still that same little girl as an adult even though my sistah friend relationships have matured as I've grown.  I hate to think what my life would be like without my sistah friends and I do whatever I can to nurture those special relationships despite time, distance, marriage, misunderstandings, babies, new loves, breakups and divorce.  These chicks are that important to me...

Some time ago I stumbled across an article about friendship titled, "5 Friends Every Woman Should Have."  I don't think the author was suggesting we should only have 5 friends as women since we can have as many friends as we can be the same type of friend to, right?  But!  It's the kind of friends we should have as women that makes the difference.  If all of our friends are the same type of friend to us we are likely missing out.  Whether we have a few friends or several friends, variety is the key.  

As I have grown older the number of close friends I have…like fa real, fa real, 'sho 'nuff without a doubt has dwindled a bit.  I still have room in my life for chicks I connect with, enjoy spending time with and want to get to know more...but close friends?  I'd like to think I have a "Strong 3" that are my close friends and they just happen to be 3 of the 5 types of friends suggested in the article.  Here's my take on those 5 friends every women should have... 

1.  The Uplifter.  Her number is in the "Favorites" section of your smart phone for when shit stuff is just falling apart.  She knows just what to say to make it all better and won't hesitate to call on the mighty name of Jesus to get you through your latest set back.  If she's not quoting scripture to you she is definitely showering you with words of affirmation.  If you could stuff her in your back pocket and take her wherever you go, just in case…you would.  If you're a believer, you better get you a Prayer Warrior in your life, girl!  

2.  The Travel Buddy.  Wherever you want to go, she is d o w n!  She has probably been to most of the places you dream of going, is typically planning her next trip and is always nudging you to get your passport in order and explore the world.  The stories and pictures that chronicle your trips together are amazing because she dreams BIG!  

Where My Girls At?!!?

3.  The Truth Teller.  Honey, don't even think about going to her unless you want it raw & uncut!  She takes no shorts, has no problem telling you about yourself, could care less about hurting your little feelings and doesn't give you doses of that nasty truth telling medicine with any sugar.  She tells you what you really already know deep down inside but doesn't judge you when you fail to heed her good advice.  Again.   

4.  The Girl Who Just Wants To Have Fun.  She is not to be confused with being ratchet but she could maybe sorta kinda probably pass for ratchet if she's had too many cocktails in one setting.  Whatever you want to do, this chick already has her shoes in hand and her "Freak 'Em Dress" on, baby!  Some of the stuff she suggests you two get into has you giving her the side eye and you know if you were brave enough to do such unmentionable things it would certainly be with her.  She's taking all your dirt to the grave with her (thank God!) and you're doing the same for her.  

5.  The Unlikely Friend.  When you are out and about together you notice people here and there giving you both a second glance because you just don't…match, you know?  In your wildest dreams you would have never imagined you would be friends with this chick but something about you with her just clicks.  She's exposed you to some good stuff and you grow a little more when you share time and space with her.    

We are hard wired to be connected to another person in this life and the number of connections we can make is only hindered by our personal limitations.  My life is better for the connections I have made with my sistah friends and hopefully I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.  Where your girls at?!? 

Toot! Toot! Heyyy…Beep! Beep! *cue the whistles*

There's a saying that goes, "Sometimes you have to encourage yourself."  If you have ever visited any black Holy Ghost filled church the choir has at some point swayed back and forth, voices lifted to the heavens and arms stretched out wide singing with all their hearts a song by the same name, even.  The idea is to forget looking for someone else to give you a fist pump or smack on the butt for taking care of your business.  Toot your own horn, baby!  With 2013 fading into a distant memory, what better time than the present to do a review of those 365 days and acknowledge e'rythang…e'rythang you did to improve your life last year?  Really!  Think about it, "How Did You Improve The Quality of Your Life in 2013?"  

Now, if it takes you a little bit because nothing comes to mind right away, no worries.  Just sit with it.  Don't rush it.  Keep thinking it through.  Maybe have a glass of wine, a cup of coffee or your favorite fragrant tea, listen to your favorite music (the mighty, mighty Earth, Wind & Fire always gets my vote), settle into a comfortable chair and just reflect.    

While you are giving some thought to how you managed some amazing things in your big, fantastic and unique life, dig how I managed to manifest some pretty good happenings over the past 365 days in my own incredible, unique and powerful life!

• I said, "No." to several requests and felt absolutely no guilt about it.
• I gifted myself with flowers just about every other week from the local Farmer's Market and placed them right on our nightstand for me to admire.  Flowers just make me feel all girly and pretty and grown womanish and for a mere $3.00 a bunch, why not feel all girly, pretty and grown womanish?
• I had a few "Courageous Conversations" with people in my life that improved relationships and situations, even though it did not feel like it in the moment.  Or shortly thereafter.
• I challenged my judgmental mind and don't you know I was typically wrong in my judgment, more often than not?  Go figure!
• I made a few new friends.  Yes, it happens even in our 40's!
• I took swimming lessons for the 3rd time in my adult life and actually learned how to swim this time!  I am no Michaela Phelps by any stretch of the imagination but I am getting better with each trip to the pool.  Especially if it's a heated pool.  Wooo hooooo!!! 
• I made my mental well being a priority.  Consistently.  Twice a month.   
• I enjoyed leisurely mid day naps across the bed or cuddled up on the couch in complete silence.  No television playing in the background.  Just the sound of life passing by drifting through the open windows.  You know, I remember fighting against having to take naps on those little reversible red and blue plastic mats way back in kindergarten.  But now?!?  Baby, a good old nap is just the thing to change a pissy attitude, get that boost of energy, sleep away a little sadness and wake up refreshed, renewed and ready to face the rest of the day! 

I'm Encouraged!!

Not too bad, Faith Margaret! *brushing my shoulders off, patting my "ownself"(that's a word) on the back as I do my happy dance in my Christmas Uggs with a celebratory glass of Moscato in my hand! * 

Before January turns into February and February turns into March and March turns into April, take some time to acknowledge how you improved your quality of life in 2013.  Give yourself a pat on the back and celebrate yo'self!  Then use that energy to push through 2014 improving the quality of your life along the way.  Here's to having what we want!  *clink, clink, clink*  

Side note:  I don't really need a reason to drink a bottle glass of Moscato. *smirk*

Fire & Desire. Or Value?

"Love & War Tuesdays"

Tuesday's blog is reserved for discussions about acknowledging our desire for love, positioning ourselves for love to find us, risking vulnerability to nurture and maintain love and surviving love lost to find the strength to love again.

I ran across this tweet once from a man that said, “Just because someone desires you does not mean they value you.”  Really??  Kinda stopped me in my tracks as I thought about what he said.  I tossed it around in my mind to find the truth in his statement in my dating and relationship experience and there it was!  Absolutely, positively, without a doubt true.  Damn! 

Just like anyone else, I have met my fair share of men.  Some good, some a'ight and some down right bad, bad, bad!  Of those men, I have had some tell me they desire me using flowery words, sultry voices and lusty looks, well...more like stares at me.  Their body language told me they desired me as their eyes scanned every single inch of my body.  The way they made me feel with the words, the deeds, the gestures even further confirmed they desired me.  And I would be lying if I denied it felt good.  Because it absolutely did.  And it all had me desiring them, too!  But in a different way.  Their desire for me did not match my desire for some of them and there began the challenge.  I desired them in the way a woman desires a man that she wants to have something meaningful with.  In a way that had me pondering all the, "What ifs…" and that eventually led me to value some of those men. 

See, I was thinking one thing while some of those men were thinking another and neither of us were brave enough to clarify what exactly was or was not happening.  I avoided asking them in a mature way if their desire for me was developing into a value for me.  They avoided acknowledging they knew I very much so wanted to be valued and were content to just…desire me.  In the end they got what they wanted and I was left to consider what I did wrong to result in another failed possibility.     

But clarity is a wonderful thing, ain't it?  And when we get it, we should share it!  When I got brave enough in my dating life to acknowledge there should be no hesitation when it comes to expressing our intentions towards one another, things changed for me.  When I grabbed hold to the belief that men and women should be able to comfortably ask each other what is happening…or not…between them during the dating process, I became more confident.  When I stopped being intimidated by the possibility that he could take issue with my asking a simple and basic question (and choose to fade me in the way some men like to do), I became empowered.  When I committed to the idea that there is really no need to wonder and analyze on our own when everyone can get grown up and talk..just talk…I moved closer to having what I wanted.  

Because if we ask the person and they value us (not just lusts after us and desires us in that take your breath away kinda way), that person will take our concerns seriously and honestly answer the question.  I know that I know that I know that I know, if a man values me he is more likely to be careful with my feelings, honest with his intentions and gentle with the softer parts of me.  That is promising whether or not the initial desire leads to a committed relationship or a solid platonic relationship.  It is wonderful to be desired but to be desired AND valued?  Now that is amazing! 

We can have what we want.  So why not ask? 

Hi! My Name is Faith Margaret. And I Still Get My Hair "Did!"

You have to pretty much live under a rock to not have read about, talked about or heard about Black women and our hair.  Some of us have embraced and even reclaimed our natural hair and are sure to let everybody know how liberating and healthy this choice is.  Others of us have chosen to continue a long standing tradition of going to "the shop" and having a stylist use heat and hairspray and oil sheen on our hair or hair we have purchased to be added to our hair (still our hair!).  I am standing in solidarity with those of us that still get our hair "did" with a narrative about my love affair with my hair.  Once upon a time, when we were different shades of little brown girls we were introduced to the ritual of getting our hair done.  Only back then we were getting our hair "combed."  This tradition that happens in many black households between Mamas and their baby girls has been going on forever and a day.  It goes a little something like this:

Most Saturday mornings little brown girls all over would be made to stand on the kitchen chair or some other stool and told to bend over the sink to get their hair washed.  Our Mamas would scrub and rinse until they heard that squeaky clean sound while we made sure to keep our eyes closed real tight so shampoo wouldn't seep into them.  Our Mamas would massage sweet smelling conditioner all over our hair, let it sit for a few minutes, rinse it out and towel dry it with a big, fluffy towel.  We would later use that big towel and secure it to our heads to have long flowing hair, but that's another blog for another day. Next our Mamas would have us sit between their legs on a pillow in front of the television with our favorite show playing (Souuuuuul Trainnnn was the show of choice in my home!) while they parted our hair, greased our scalps and neatly brushed our hair up into ponytails and pigtails secured with pretty bows, balls (aka knockers) and barrettes. And last but not least, our Mamas would take special care to create our "baby hair" just right with that special toothbrush used to create the illusion.  Our Mamas would put all the hair products into that cookie tin and store it away until the next morning when the ritual would continue.  

Once we were old enough and only for special occasions (i.e., picture day at school, Easter or our birthdays) we would get your hair "pressed."  Yeah, once our Mamas were done pressing our hair it was a pretty sight to see but the process was torture!  I. Hated. Getting. My. Hair. Pressed.  I would stare at the red hot glowing fire on the stove as I sat on that red 3 step chair/stool combo thingie dreading this ritual.  My Mama would put a glob of Ultra Sheen Hair Grease (the blue kind) on the back of her left hand, put the pressing comb that was dark & worn from heavy use on the fire and get to pressing my hair.  Sizzle.  Blow.  Tap on the towel.  Press.  "Girl, stop flinching & hold yo' damn ear!" she would fuss right after she popped my head with that big black comb.  I just knew she was going to burn me when she would press my "edges" and get my "kitchen!"  I would smack my teeth, slouch in the chair and suffer through it the whole time wishing I was outside playing in the street with my friends.  My Mama was no punk, though and she would just keep right at it despite my crying and slouching and sniffing and it always ended with her turning me around to see my reflection in the mirror and exclaiming, "See!  All that crying for nothing.  Look at my pretty baby!  All done!" to only kiss me on my forehead and shoo me out of her kitchen.  At least that's what happened in my home.

As much as I hated getting my hair done, I so loved that time with my Mama.  It is one of my fondest memories of her.  Just her.  Just me.  Just we.  It was this sacred time between a Mama and her little girl free from the drama that always seemed to circle our home.

I'm in my 40's and to this day I have kept that ritual going.  Only now I go and have my hair professionally styled by the same woman that's been handling my hair for the past 20 years.   Not only am I taking care of myself with this indulgence, I am also supporting a black woman making her way in the world as an entrepreneur. That feels mighty good to me!  Over the years she's counseled me, I've counseled her, we've cried together, cackled together, danced together, shared a cocktail together...all in her little beauty shop.  You see, she comes from the same tradition that I come from and she understands the absolute value a beautician can have in the lives of her clients.  And I am grateful for her "growing hands" and her ability to manage my soft, tissue like hair that reminds me of my Mama every single day. 

It's amazing how versatile we can be as Black women!  We can decide how we want to wear our hair today and change our minds tomorrow.  We can marvel at the discipline and sometimes bravery of our sistah friends that make the choice to banish chemicals and heat from their hair styling rituals and STILL manage to walk with our heads up and shoulders back and freshly coiffed chemically and heat treated hairstyles from the beauty salon.  Since regardless of how we choose to style our hair, we are still keeping with a ritual passed down from generation to generation to generation.  No matter how we wear our hair, we are still showing love to ourselves and love for our culture through the expression of our hair and there is no shame in that!  *patting the sides of my hair & glancing in the mirror*    

Umm. My Name Ain't Mary Jane, But...

I think Mara Brock Akil just might have a hit on her hands!  

Her new show, "Being Mary Jane" is set to make its regular season premiere tonight and could very well be titled, "Being Faith Margaret" or "Being Cynthia" or "Being Trina" (names have been changed to protect the innocent).  The show builds upon the often repeated yet controversial statistic that asserts 42% of black women have never been married.  *blank stare…like, long blank stare*  The main character's story could very much be the story of any single, unmarried, childless, educated and successful professional black woman.  I mean, whichever way I turn I happen upon black women that fit snugly into this category despite their best…and worst…efforts.  Including ME!  That is what makes this show very relevant to the demographic it is appealing to.  Many of us see ourselves one way or another in Mary Jane. 

See, we are members of that unique club of women that are faced with navigating what can seem like a dismal landscape of single-dom when we desire marriage or lifetime commitment.  We are faced with fighting temptation to avoid doing what we know is not in our best interests as we find our way.  We dance around the inevitable question from any caring relative, "Baby, when are you going to get married?" at every family gathering.  We manage to be successful despite the often generational issues in our families and yet we struggle with guilt for being successful!  We quietly lament having to attend another wedding or baby shower where we are not the guest of honor (yeah, we are happy for our friends and all but, damn!).  We purchase and decorate our first home without a man to partner with and snuggle with our cats or dogs on cold evenings at home instead of spooning with that loving, committed and supportive man we fantasize about.  We battle to advance at work and find our voice at risk of being incorrectly characterized as aggressive.  

So!  We have been waiting for tonight and we will watch attentively.  We are going to root for Mary Jane to absorb the affirmations of every single Post It Note that cover the mirrors in her home.  "Nobody can hurt me without my permission."  We will wish we could forewarn her of the certain disappointment that we see coming in the show's plot while she battles to hold tight to her own worth.  Hell, even find her own worth!  We will cross our fingers, toes and anything else for good luck in hopes Mary Jane will get her "couple of forevers" to prove that dismal marriage statistic wrong.  Because our names aren't Mary Jane but we can certainly understand her struggle.

Keep watching… 

When You Get Right Down To It...

Recently I came across an invitation to speak out loud what I absolutely wanted to feel in 2014.  To feel?  Mmmm hmmmm, that's what I said!  The habit of speaking out loud what I want does not come easy for me, so I take every opportunity to practice those muscles.  I know when I speak things aloud that simple action helps hold me accountable and that was enough to get me to think this thing through.  The challenge plainly stated was to identify what are my "Core Desired Feelings For 2014".  Not what I wanted to DO in 2014, mind you.  Nope!  But what I wanted to FEEL.  

My first few attempts avoided anything related to feeling whatsoever.  I read them over and over and let out a loud, "Dang!" when I realized I did not answer the question. I kept typing things I wanted to do. i.e., "I want to save more money." and "I want to travel more."  After several strokes of the keys on my Mac Book Pro and the accompanying deletions, I figured it out.  Here are my Core Desired Feelings for 2014:  

1. I want to feel settled. It is in my nature to worry over things & it can be exhausting.
2. I want to feel connected. And I'm talking feeling connected to the point that I'm always giving my absolute best to a person, situation or thing.
3. I want to feel guilt free. We can be our own worst critics and really unkind to ourselves with self judgment. I don't like being in that place & it's time to do something about that, dammit
   A trip, right?  Now, here is your assignment should you choose to accept it:  Comment on this blog with what are your  "Core Desired Feelings For 2014."  This is a good exercise in asking for what you want and making an attempt to hold yourself accountable by speaking it aloud to someone else.  I have a feeling you will want what that person wants and that person will want what that other person wants and on and on.
   
   We can have what we want, so let's claim it for 2014!  You hold me to my list and I will hold you to your list.  Deal?  Ready.  Set.  Go!**

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That! And That. And That.

It is a new year and a good opportunity to clean house.  While I know I have limited influence on what happens outside of my little corner of the world, if I did I would certainly rid us all of a few things.  Thank you, kindly!  Ladies & gentlemen (with a dramatic flick of my magical wand) in no particular order, I give you:

"Faith Margaret's List of Things That Need to Stay in 2013!" 

*whistles & applause*

1. Twerking.  According to dictionary.com, twerk is defined as follows
"(verb). to dance to hip-hop or pop music in a very sensual way typically by thrusting or shaking the buttocks and hips while in a squatting or bent-over position."  *sigh*  For some reason every time I see a woman tweaking in public for the entire world to see I immediately get that, "I smell s&#t!" expression on my face that we all have seen on other folks' faces.   It's just so inappropriate to me & I clutch my pearls every single time.  Now, I'm all for a little show in the privacy of one's bedroom or some strip club somewhere but that's just about it. Little babies twerking. Old folks twerking.  Little girls twerking.  Men folk twerking. Enough already! 

2. Miley Cyrus. What the hell did her daddy do that has pissed her off so much with him? Girl…BYE! 

3. Senseless killings.  Anyone that lives in your average urban area can remark about the random killings in their community that leave mothers and grandmothers weeping in the streets over the untimely death of their babies.  It's almost as if dying before the age of 25 is a hazard of living in certain environments and we have become calloused against the inhumanity of it all.  And when some of us are faced with risk of death for looking a certain way when in a certain part of town, we are reminded of just how far to go race relations must progress in this country.  Painfully sad. 

4. No New Friends.  It breaks my heart to hear folks say this. Who doesn't need a new friend to chill with when your old friends are getting on your damn nerves?!?  That don't even make no sense!  Go get you some new friends! 

5. Grown women fighting on reality tv. I promise I don't personally know one grown woman that would commence to scrapping in a public place. And if I did I would replace her with what? A. New. Friend. 

6. These random hiatus' for the hit television drama, "Scandal."  I'm a BIG Scandal fan and to be made to suffer through a month of, "Oh, Lord Jesus what just happened?!?" is simply unacceptable. Like all the other Scandal loyals I am waiting with baited breath to see how the Vice President is going to cleanse herself of a horrific offense, if Cyrus' husband is really that weak, if Jake can be as formidable a Command as Daddy Dearest, if Quinn will snap and blow everyone to bits and if Olivia's mother will be dealt with for being a spy and fooling every damn body!  Oh!  And how is Shonda going to hide Kerry Washington's pregnancy? I digress.  (stay tuned for "Scandalous Thursdays" right on this here blog)

7. Having to pay for grocery bags. Almost every trip to any store in California ends with the clerk saying, "Do you need a bag?" which really means, "We 'bout to charge you for this crappy plastic bag!" You know the ones your grandmother and aunties hoard under their kitchen sink that they grab to put any and everything in?  Yep!  Those.  Now I have to begrudgingly fork over my 10 cents or juggle my wares in my arms as I shuffle pissed off to my car because I left my reusable bags in the trunk of my car. Again! GIMME A DAMN BAG! 

8. Kanye & Kim. Really?!? I'm all for love and having what we want but is that what they really want? *scratching my head* 

9. Straight men saying "No homo."  Not only is that silliness offensive, it's a bit suspect if you have to say it. 

10. The phrase, "Turn Up." Man!!  I want to tell folks every celebration is not a "Turn Up" event nor is every selfie an opportunity to announce to one & all that you are about to "Turn Up!" How 'bout you "Turn Down" and have several seats? How 'bout that?!? 

Whew!  Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I'm sure I missed a few.  Feel free to add to my list or do your part to rid us of 1 though 10 in our daily life.  LOL  Or you can advocate for those one or two things on my list that you want to follow us into 2014.  We can have what we want and manage to laugh about getting it, too!