The Last Argument

"Love & War Tuesdays"

Tuesday's blog is reserved for discussions about acknowledging our desire for love, positioning ourselves for love to find us, risking vulnerability to nurture and maintain love and surviving love lost to find the strength to love again.

The Struggle is Real.

Anyone that does not know their birth parent or has known their birth parent but struggles in relationship with them…has the potential to struggle with feelings of abandonment at some point.  A good number of us with this reality hesitate to acknowledge this feeling and some of us even deny it.  But if we look close enough we can see that feeling its right there with us.  In front of us.  To the left of us.  To the right of us.  And behind us.  And I know from experience.  I was a child that saw men leaving women, I do not know my birth father and I did not have a father figure in my formative years so this abandonment stuff is ever present for me. It's a struggle I have been fighting for most of my life and by now I can predict when and how it will show up.  Case in point:   

A little while back I was all in my feelings behind a disconnect between my love and I that felt really BIG to me.  From what I could see (and we see what we want to see) he seemed unaffected by the disconnect and was going about his business while I was feeling some kind of all kinds of ways.  And then it hit me!  Something seemingly simple yet profoundly deep.  At least for me.  When I have a disagreement or argument with the man I love it always feels like it is The Last Argument or disagreement.  You know, the one that is going to end the love affair and he, too will "abandon" me.  The result?  I typically let my anxiety get the best of me and overreact (it's better for me to reject him to validate what my subconscious wants me to believe).  Or!  I will tiptoe around things that clearly are bothering me to avoid The Last Argument. That. Can. Never. Ever. Ever. Work.

Once I got myself together enough to have a conversation with him that would not result in me being overly sensitive to his perceived response or lack thereof, I made an effort to bring him into how I was experiencing the disconnect.  And wouldn't you know he shared none of the feelings and concerns I mentioned?!?!  He did not think our disconnect was The Last Argument or disagreement at all, nor did he think it was a big deal.  At all. And. And. And!  Though he was aware of the circumstances of my childhood, he had not connected the dots about the undercurrent of abandonment for me in relationships.  I made some assumptions about what he knew about me and I was wrong.  There was work for us to do to manage this struggle in our relationship so I rolled up my sleeves, swept my bangs from my eyes and got to it.   

I am clear now that it is important that any man that loves me is tuned in to the undercurrent of abandonment for me in relationship.  I am clear now that I it is important for him to be mindful of this battle I am fighting as we fall deeper & deeper in love & grow closer & closer as a result.  Cause that's when the real problems can bubble up to the surface for those of us that struggle with abandonment, right?  When the relationship is progressing smoothly and possibilities are before us, here comes that old nuisance abandonment to remind us of all our worries and fears.  I am clear now inviting him to  create a ritual with me that we depend on when we need to resolve conflict.  A process for us when we need to have the, "We Need to Talk" talk, you know? 

So!  We made an agreement about a practice for how we would approach having difficult conversations.  We have not had to practice as often as I anticipated we would but it's comforting to know that tool is there when we need to use it.  When we know better, we do better.  And I am doing my work because I know better.  I can have what I want!  And it's a good thing to be connected to a man that welcomes my attempts to get out of my own way.  I am working on having that mature love we all deserve & peeling back my layers in the process.