Go Ahead And Cry...

This blog right here?!?  This blog right here?!?  Is for somebody.  We never know if what we are experiencing and share can be healing for a stranger or even a close friend.  I know that for sure.  Here goes! 

A few weeks back I watched the movie, "Mahogany" staring Diana Ross and Billy Dee Williams.  That has got to be one of my favorite movies!  Of all times.  Like, "Don't nobody betta not botha' me when Mahogany is on!" favorite movie.  When "foine, foine, foine" Brian looks at super star Tracy with his hair all pressed and super fly wearing that turtle neck looking all handsome and says, " Let me tell you something, and don't you ever forget it:  that success is nothing without someone you love to share it with!"?  *gasp*  It's enough to make you cry out of sadness for the demise of the love affair between those two beautiful people.  I mean, I cry every single time I watch that movie and I grab the Kleenex at the same parts.  Every time.  But for some reason, no tears the last time I watched that movie.  That caused me to pause and think, "When is the last time I cried…for me?" 

A dear person in my life died suddenly at the end of December and I cried for him and his family.  But before that, I can't remember crying for some time.  I was moving through life seemingly in complete control of my emotions and definitely managing to push aside feelings of sadness and overwhelm that always seem to prompt tears cascading down my face.  I was too busy.  I was too tired.  I was too distracted.  But with his death the flood gates opened and I wept.  And wept  And wept.  Until finally I felt empty of tears and just sat in my sadness.  Eventually the deep sadness for the death of my friend subsided and now I am adjusting to the new normal of my work life carrying on without him.   
  

Let it flow...

The funny thing, though is while I cried a lot for my friend and his family I have cried very little for myself.  And that is not normal for me.  I am one of those women that needs to cry every now and then.  I need the release that comes from sitting with my feelings and allowing them to come to the surface.  Whatever kind of cry it is…joyous, grateful, sad, angry…it just needs to come out.  Why?  It is cleansing for me.  Often settles my anxious spirit.  Renews my soul for whatever is next.  Just like when I was a little, skinny, ashy kneed brown girl and my mother would send me to take nap after I got on her last nerves and fell out in tears?  I would always wake up feeling so much better.  Refreshed.  Renewed.  Lighter.  Nothing has changed for me as an adult and that cry and accompanying nap always come at just the right time.  

Ohhhh, but it's coming.  I feel a good cry coming on.  It is almost like I can smell it in the air, you know?  I am a bit more sensitive that usual.  A bit more easily offended.  A bit more easily annoyed.  That knot that rests in the back of your throat threatening to push it's way to the top of my throat and emit itself in a slight moan followed by that first big, warm tear drop?  It's there.  And this time that good cry is just for me.  For my life.

I am not sure what is going to happen to release the flow of tears this time.  Could be a movie.  Maybe a song.  Something I see.  Listening to a friend as they cry.  Or even something I hear.  I am not sure where it will happen, either.  I have cried in a warm scented bubble bath with a candle flickering in the distance.  I have cried in the bosom of an older woman at church attempting to console me while patting my back whispering, "Bless your heart.  It's alright, baby…"  I have cried in bed with my arms wrapped tightly around a pillow.  I have cried in my car as I made my way from one place to the next.  I have cried wrapped tight in the arms of the man that loves me, my tears leaving a wet spot on his nicely clean shirt.  All I know is when and where and why is not as important as it is that I allow it to happen.     

Sometimes in order to keep our happy we have to release whatever is heavy and overwhelming and confusing.  It's all a part of the process…the human experience.  I am holding on to my happy with both hands.  Even through the tears!

Now where is my box of Kleenex?  The moisturized kind, of course...