I Ain't Never Birthed No Babies...

I had dinner the other night with a good friend I have missed so.  She and I have not enjoyed each other's company in a while and after a Lemon Drop cocktail that was so strong I sent it back for an adjustment (I know, I know…I'm a lightweight), a delicious bowl of cioppino and an amazing affogato dessert, we were deep into the girl talk.  And of course, the question came that most unmarried, childless women that are approaching or are in their 40's are asked all the damn time:  "When are you going to have a baby?"  I thought about it for a minute and said aloud what I know to be my truth with a good friend that is working on her answer to that same question.

Her name is Symone or Zion or Sydney or Layla or Zaya, even.  She has smooth chocolate brown skin with long pony tails that are usually adorned with a few bright and colorful bows.  She has this way of looking up at me with big, innocent eyes bursting with life and I concede to whatever, "Please, pretty please…" ask she has made of me this time.  She is  full of energy and skips everywhere she goes.  She's friendly to everyone she meets but chatters entirely too much in class, which results in a monthly email to me from her teacher that reads in part, "She is so smart but she visits entirely too much with her peers during class."  And she is mine…my daughter.

You could not have told me 10 years ago that I would not be a mother to Symone Zion Sydney Layla Zaya by now.  Back then my biological clock was tick, tick, tick, ticking.  And ticking LOUD.  I fantasized about diaper changes, daycare runs, first days of school and all the good things that come with being a mommy.  And you know what?  I thought I would be good at what has to be the hardest job in the world.  I mean, everything about me suggests the makings of being a mother would flourish if I took on that job.  I am a nurturer.  I live a stable life.  I enjoy being part of another person's growth.  My life is fairly simple.   At one point I believed all of that was enough to position me to welcome motherhood into my life.  Even without a husband and I set about the business of making that happen.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick tock...

I went through the lengthy, intrusive and reflective process of being considered for an adoption and was approved a few years back.  I turned my office into a nursery and fully equipped it to care for the special little one I would soon be chosen to mother. I was resolved!  I was resolved that I could offer a child languishing in foster care the permanency all children deserve, a forever family through adoption.  Did I say I was resolved?  The calls started coming from the adoption agency suggesting they had a baby that I would be a good match for and I hesitated.  Call after call after call came and I hesitated again and again.  I finally admitted I was not ready to be somebody's mother.  And I was not sure if I ever would be.  Plenty of guilt came with that realization and the burden I felt of having to explain to those that supported my resolve to adopt why I was choosing to not be a mother.  And still...I closed the door to the nursery and left it closed.

Because I have to understand the "why" of most things that happen in my life, I took some time to explore what my hesitation was about.  Pressure…plain and simple.  Everything around me suggested at 40 years old I was doomed to not experience the fullness of happiness in this lifetime without being a mother.  Let's not even get started on what is obviously wrong with me at 40 because I am not and have never been married.  But to not have any children?!?  Now, that's just selfish!  Hell, the government doesn't even support single, unmarried and childless individuals with the ridiculous tax penalties that we face every spring.  Note to self…hide more of my money.

I am not denying that parenthood is one of the best things many of us will ever undertake.  It's an absolute miracle however parenthood comes to you.  Growing a child into a happy, healthy and well adjusted adult is a major life accomplishment for anyone.  A person could not be more proud!  But what of those of us that choose to not be parent?  Are we really resigned to a life that is less meaningful?  Will we never really live a life that is full and remarkable and selfless?

I will not pretend that I have not on occasion second guessed my choice to not have a baby now that I am 43 years old.  It would be a wasted effort to deny how absolutely amazing it would have felt to experience life growing inside of my womb.  And I would be kidding myself to make believe as if I have not had the fantasy of making love to man that loves me as hard as I love him and bringing the best manifestation of our love together into the world under our unshakable bond.  I have.  And I do.  Plenty of times.  But, because I am a believer I know that it was not THAT life that was planned for me from the moment I was conceived.  No.  Instead, part of my amazing journey in this life is to not birth or mother my own child.  No.  Instead it is to be a part of entire communities that nurture children and my job affords me that opportunity.  I relish the opportunity to support the people in my life with children in growing and loving their children.  What an honor...

So!  Instead of lamenting my choice (or destiny) to not be a mother and defending that choice (or destiny) to well meaning folk (a better question instead would be, "Are you enjoying your life?"), I am more determined than ever to live the life I have chosen more fully.  To push through those self imposed limitations we all have (whether we are parents or not), you know?  To love more fully.  To share my time…our most valuable gift…more often and freely.  To explore the possibilities more fully.  To risk vulnerability again and again.  To nurture my relationships even when I feel my cup is empty.  And to make no excuses for my choice to live the life I have been given.  Fully!

I can still "Ooooohhhh…" and "Ahhhhhhh…" over babies and silly, giggly, rambunctious little ones.  I can still smile warmly at mommies with swollen bellies and chat with them about their "Love on Top."  I can still gaze fondly at men carrying their children to the car after a long day of learning and play.  And I can still climb the stairs to our 1,001 square foot pleased with the life I have built for myself absent children and celebrate the life I am living with a glass of nice red wine.  *cheers*

"Of the blessings set before you make your choice, and be content."  

~Samuel Johnson