Her name is Symone or Zion or Sydney or Layla or Zaya, even. She has smooth chocolate brown skin with long pony tails that are usually adorned with a few bright and colorful bows. She has this way of looking up at me with big, innocent eyes bursting with life and I concede to whatever, "Please, pretty please…" ask she has made of me this time. She is full of energy and skips everywhere she goes. She's friendly to everyone she meets but chatters entirely too much in class, which results in a monthly email to me from her teacher that reads in part, "She is so smart but she visits entirely too much with her peers during class." And she is mine…my daughter.
You could not have told me 10 years ago that I would not be a mother to Symone Zion Sydney Layla Zaya by now. Back then my biological clock was tick, tick, tick, ticking. And ticking LOUD. I fantasized about diaper changes, daycare runs, first days of school and all the good things that come with being a mommy. And you know what? I thought I would be good at what has to be the hardest job in the world. I mean, everything about me suggests the makings of being a mother would flourish if I took on that job. I am a nurturer. I live a stable life. I enjoy being part of another person's growth. My life is fairly simple. At one point I believed all of that was enough to position me to welcome motherhood into my life. Even without a husband and I set about the business of making that happen.
I went through the lengthy, intrusive and reflective process of being considered for an adoption and was approved a few years back. I turned my office into a nursery and fully equipped it to care for the special little one I would soon be chosen to mother. I was resolved! I was resolved that I could offer a child languishing in foster care the permanency all children deserve, a forever family through adoption. Did I say I was resolved? The calls started coming from the adoption agency suggesting they had a baby that I would be a good match for and I hesitated. Call after call after call came and I hesitated again and again. I finally admitted I was not ready to be somebody's mother. And I was not sure if I ever would be. Plenty of guilt came with that realization and the burden I felt of having to explain to those that supported my resolve to adopt why I was choosing to not be a mother. And still...I closed the door to the nursery and left it closed.
Because I have to understand the "why" of most things that happen in my life, I took some time to explore what my hesitation was about. Pressure…plain and simple. Everything around me suggested at 40 years old I was doomed to not experience the fullness of happiness in this lifetime without being a mother. Let's not even get started on what is obviously wrong with me at 40 because I am not and have never been married. But to not have any children?!? Now, that's just selfish! Hell, the government doesn't even support single, unmarried and childless individuals with the ridiculous tax penalties that we face every spring. Note to self…hide more of my money.
I am not denying that parenthood is one of the best things many of us will ever undertake. It's an absolute miracle however parenthood comes to you. Growing a child into a happy, healthy and well adjusted adult is a major life accomplishment for anyone. A person could not be more proud! But what of those of us that choose to not be parent? Are we really resigned to a life that is less meaningful? Will we never really live a life that is full and remarkable and selfless?
I will not pretend that I have not on occasion second guessed my choice to not have a baby now that I am 43 years old. It would be a wasted effort to deny how absolutely amazing it would have felt to experience life growing inside of my womb. And I would be kidding myself to make believe as if I have not had the fantasy of making love to man that loves me as hard as I love him and bringing the best manifestation of our love together into the world under our unshakable bond. I have. And I do. Plenty of times. But, because I am a believer I know that it was not THAT life that was planned for me from the moment I was conceived. No. Instead, part of my amazing journey in this life is to not birth or mother my own child. No. Instead it is to be a part of entire communities that nurture children and my job affords me that opportunity. I relish the opportunity to support the people in my life with children in growing and loving their children. What an honor...
So! Instead of lamenting my choice (or destiny) to not be a mother and defending that choice (or destiny) to well meaning folk (a better question instead would be, "Are you enjoying your life?"), I am more determined than ever to live the life I have chosen more fully. To push through those self imposed limitations we all have (whether we are parents or not), you know? To love more fully. To share my time…our most valuable gift…more often and freely. To explore the possibilities more fully. To risk vulnerability again and again. To nurture my relationships even when I feel my cup is empty. And to make no excuses for my choice to live the life I have been given. Fully!
I can still "Ooooohhhh…" and "Ahhhhhhh…" over babies and silly, giggly, rambunctious little ones. I can still smile warmly at mommies with swollen bellies and chat with them about their "Love on Top." I can still gaze fondly at men carrying their children to the car after a long day of learning and play. And I can still climb the stairs to our 1,001 square foot pleased with the life I have built for myself absent children and celebrate the life I am living with a glass of nice red wine. *cheers*
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| Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick tock... |
Because I have to understand the "why" of most things that happen in my life, I took some time to explore what my hesitation was about. Pressure…plain and simple. Everything around me suggested at 40 years old I was doomed to not experience the fullness of happiness in this lifetime without being a mother. Let's not even get started on what is obviously wrong with me at 40 because I am not and have never been married. But to not have any children?!? Now, that's just selfish! Hell, the government doesn't even support single, unmarried and childless individuals with the ridiculous tax penalties that we face every spring. Note to self…hide more of my money.
I am not denying that parenthood is one of the best things many of us will ever undertake. It's an absolute miracle however parenthood comes to you. Growing a child into a happy, healthy and well adjusted adult is a major life accomplishment for anyone. A person could not be more proud! But what of those of us that choose to not be parent? Are we really resigned to a life that is less meaningful? Will we never really live a life that is full and remarkable and selfless?
I will not pretend that I have not on occasion second guessed my choice to not have a baby now that I am 43 years old. It would be a wasted effort to deny how absolutely amazing it would have felt to experience life growing inside of my womb. And I would be kidding myself to make believe as if I have not had the fantasy of making love to man that loves me as hard as I love him and bringing the best manifestation of our love together into the world under our unshakable bond. I have. And I do. Plenty of times. But, because I am a believer I know that it was not THAT life that was planned for me from the moment I was conceived. No. Instead, part of my amazing journey in this life is to not birth or mother my own child. No. Instead it is to be a part of entire communities that nurture children and my job affords me that opportunity. I relish the opportunity to support the people in my life with children in growing and loving their children. What an honor...
So! Instead of lamenting my choice (or destiny) to not be a mother and defending that choice (or destiny) to well meaning folk (a better question instead would be, "Are you enjoying your life?"), I am more determined than ever to live the life I have chosen more fully. To push through those self imposed limitations we all have (whether we are parents or not), you know? To love more fully. To share my time…our most valuable gift…more often and freely. To explore the possibilities more fully. To risk vulnerability again and again. To nurture my relationships even when I feel my cup is empty. And to make no excuses for my choice to live the life I have been given. Fully!
I can still "Ooooohhhh…" and "Ahhhhhhh…" over babies and silly, giggly, rambunctious little ones. I can still smile warmly at mommies with swollen bellies and chat with them about their "Love on Top." I can still gaze fondly at men carrying their children to the car after a long day of learning and play. And I can still climb the stairs to our 1,001 square foot pleased with the life I have built for myself absent children and celebrate the life I am living with a glass of nice red wine. *cheers*
"Of the blessings set before you make your choice, and be content."
~Samuel Johnson
"Make your choice and be content." Those are wise words, and so in line with your last post about "choice" and a man choosing. It's amazing what that does to you, huh? Making the decision that you want for you! Here! Here!
ReplyDeleteThis is something that I struggle with internally. I know that I want to be a mother, and birth a child of my own. I have learned though, that I have the opportunity through my work (much like you) to practice those skills. I get to love on lots of people's beautiful babies each and ever day. And everything about that is rewarding. Does it feel the same as if they were your very own? No. But it does feel something like it. And that's good too!
Are you enjoying your life Miss Faith?!
(I wouldn't mind one (or two) of those tax breaks though!)
You act in the position of a mother for many, many, many young folks and that means a lot when you are far away from home. As a 43 year old that needed somebody like you when I was younger, in college and away from whatever I knew to be home, "Thank Y O U!"
Delete...and I would be crazy to not say THANK YOU right back! For all that they need from me, they save my life over and over again! The way they love on me back, care about my heart, and show concern for me?! A debt I could never repay! ...and it's not for trying!
DeleteWhile I agree with everything you have said Faith, something you said is sticking with me - parenthood comes to you. That is a remarkable statement. And if parenthood comes to you, it doesn't give a timeline or a picture. I say that when it's time for you to be a parent, it will come to you as you stated. And really....if you look in that room you once made for a child, look and see who is in there now - A CHILD....parenthood in my mind has come to you. You're a blessing~
DeleteWell, now…since you put it that way, Heidi. *smile*
DeleteAbsolutely gotta love you're transparency. Peer pressure can cause us to desire many a great things that are not intended for us in the way we imagine them. I have come to admire and learned much from my unmarried, childless friends and family. Of those I hold dear, it has been blatantly clear that they have been chosen to give more, love more and affect more people than I ever could because they have the God given from to do so. You see all those qualities you've been gifted with were not intended to be limited to one family. As well, not having the family that may have as you imagined allowed you to gain a different, relevant & necessary perspective. One that would fuel the wisdom, love & nurturing that you're blessed to offer so many others (young & old) not to mention the special little princess that you've spoken of in times past. So continue on Faith. Birthing a baby doesn't make you complete, a woman or a mother. God gave us all life & each one comes with assignments that are particular to the individual but for all of us He desires we LIVE this life. So continue living life to the fullest, putting God first. You'll please Him and mother countless people along the way
ReplyDelete***God given freedom to do so***
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