"Love & War Tuesdays"
Tuesday's blog is reserved for discussions about acknowledging our desire for love, positioning ourselves for love to find us, risking vulnerability to nurture and maintain love and surviving love lost to find the strength to love again.
I ran across this tweet once from a man that said,
“Just because someone desires you does not mean they value you.” Really?? Kinda
stopped me in my tracks as I thought about what he said. I tossed it around in my mind to find the truth in his statement in my dating and relationship experience and there it was! Absolutely, positively, without a doubt true. Damn!
Just like anyone else, I have met my fair share of men. Some good, some a'ight and some down right bad, bad, bad! Of those men, I have had some tell me they desire me using flowery words, sultry voices and lusty looks, well...more like stares at me. Their body language told me they desired me as their eyes scanned every single inch of my body. The way they made me feel with the words, the deeds, the gestures even further confirmed they desired me. And I would be lying if I denied it felt good. Because it absolutely did. And it all had me desiring them, too! But in a different way. Their desire for me did not match my desire for some of them and there began the challenge. I desired them in the way a woman desires a man that she wants to have something meaningful with. In a way that had me pondering all the, "What ifs…" and that eventually led me to value some of those men.
See, I was thinking one thing while some of those men were thinking another and neither of us were brave enough to clarify what exactly was or was not happening. I avoided asking them in a mature way if their desire for me was developing into a value for me. They avoided acknowledging they knew I very much so wanted to be valued and were content to just…desire me. In the end they got what they wanted and I was left to consider what I did wrong to result in another failed possibility.
But clarity is a wonderful thing, ain't it? And when we get it, we should share it! When I got brave enough in my dating life to acknowledge there should be no hesitation when it comes to expressing our intentions towards one another, things changed for me. When I grabbed hold to the belief that men and women should be able to comfortably ask each other what is happening…or not…between them during the dating process, I became more confident. When I stopped being intimidated by the possibility that he could take issue with my asking a simple and basic question (and choose to fade me in the way some men like to do), I became empowered. When I committed to the idea that there is really no need to wonder and analyze on our own when everyone can get grown up and talk..just talk…I moved closer to having what I wanted.
Because if we ask the person and they value us (not just lusts after us and desires us in that take your breath away kinda way), that person will take our concerns seriously and honestly answer the question. I know that I know that I know that I know, if a man values me he is more likely to be careful with my feelings, honest with his intentions and gentle with the softer parts of me. That is promising whether or not the initial desire leads to a committed relationship or a solid platonic relationship. It is wonderful to be desired but to be desired AND valued? Now that is amazing!
We can have what we want. So why not ask?
Just like anyone else, I have met my fair share of men. Some good, some a'ight and some down right bad, bad, bad! Of those men, I have had some tell me they desire me using flowery words, sultry voices and lusty looks, well...more like stares at me. Their body language told me they desired me as their eyes scanned every single inch of my body. The way they made me feel with the words, the deeds, the gestures even further confirmed they desired me. And I would be lying if I denied it felt good. Because it absolutely did. And it all had me desiring them, too! But in a different way. Their desire for me did not match my desire for some of them and there began the challenge. I desired them in the way a woman desires a man that she wants to have something meaningful with. In a way that had me pondering all the, "What ifs…" and that eventually led me to value some of those men.
See, I was thinking one thing while some of those men were thinking another and neither of us were brave enough to clarify what exactly was or was not happening. I avoided asking them in a mature way if their desire for me was developing into a value for me. They avoided acknowledging they knew I very much so wanted to be valued and were content to just…desire me. In the end they got what they wanted and I was left to consider what I did wrong to result in another failed possibility.
But clarity is a wonderful thing, ain't it? And when we get it, we should share it! When I got brave enough in my dating life to acknowledge there should be no hesitation when it comes to expressing our intentions towards one another, things changed for me. When I grabbed hold to the belief that men and women should be able to comfortably ask each other what is happening…or not…between them during the dating process, I became more confident. When I stopped being intimidated by the possibility that he could take issue with my asking a simple and basic question (and choose to fade me in the way some men like to do), I became empowered. When I committed to the idea that there is really no need to wonder and analyze on our own when everyone can get grown up and talk..just talk…I moved closer to having what I wanted.
Because if we ask the person and they value us (not just lusts after us and desires us in that take your breath away kinda way), that person will take our concerns seriously and honestly answer the question. I know that I know that I know that I know, if a man values me he is more likely to be careful with my feelings, honest with his intentions and gentle with the softer parts of me. That is promising whether or not the initial desire leads to a committed relationship or a solid platonic relationship. It is wonderful to be desired but to be desired AND valued? Now that is amazing!
We can have what we want. So why not ask?
Love it!! Preach on girlie!!
ReplyDeleteWorking on asking for what I want, girl! We can have it! Desire me AND value me, dammit!
DeleteYou know, this reminds me of some good'ole'folk advice, right? 'We have not because we ask not..." And to be honest, I can't really say why I didn't ask...fear, anxiety, or just not knowing what I wanted...
ReplyDeleteI think this perfectly frames some stuff I've been dealing with. Funny that desire and value in some ways feel the same, huh? Lots of similar actions, words, thoughts, that translate to similar feelings, but the end desire is totally different...Desire is temporary...we tend to live long enough to desire different things...but the things we value, tend to become more valuable with time... So there it is. Time. <--- I'm sure this will have me writing!
That is the trick about desire and value, Natina. They can feel very much the same, especially in the heat of things. The proof comes when the desire and lust isn't ever present and the day to day behavior and processes happen. Value is long lasting. Desire can be fleeting. Happy journaling!
DeleteOh, so true and well said, Faith! I have learned that desire is what gets you into situations that you later have to search to find the value in. Sadly, I haven't always valued myself in some relationships, so I found it hard to ask for him to value me. Years later, I have been able to see my own value and no longer allow someone to devalue me, just because he only desires me. -Sonya
ReplyDelete