I Can Be What You Call, "Hard-Headed" But...

"Love & War Tuesdays"

Tuesday's blogging is reserved for discussions about acknowledging our desire for love, positioning ourselves for love to find us, risking vulnerability to nurture and maintain love and surviving love lost to find the strength to love again.

I can count on one delicate hand how many times I've 'sho 'nuff (if you haven't noticed yet that's a favorite word of mine) been in love.  Not that fleeting, heart panting one day but can't remember if we had sex years later, kind of love.  No suh!  I'm talking about that snotty and red nosed, weeping even 
w a i l i n g, stayed in bed for days crying when it ended kinda love.  Let's see...  

Thumb:  There was that cat my freshmen year of college...fun times!  

Index finger:  And that dude my senior year of college.  Bless his heart.

Middle finger:  Can't forget the man I loved that didn't love me back.  Bastard!  I mean, what's not to love about me?!?  Moving on...

Ring finger:  Oh!  And the one I cried a river over through the years until I admitted it is what it is that to this day still tells me, "I was going to marry you..." *side eye*

Pinky finger:  My present love and pretty much the bestest boyfriend I've ever had in my whole entire life. *gushing & playing with my fingers*

With each leap into love there has been lesson after lesson that should have prepared me for the next falling.  But!  I can be a bit hard headed so it's taken some time. From believing men when they have shown me who they are the first time, to admitting I was the one that chose wrong, to realizing long distance relationships don't work without a definite plan for somebody to move.  I've been paying attention with this journey in love, taking notes and here is what I am getting so far this time around in love:

1.  Every argument is not the last argument.  When you did not benefit from seeing men and women argue and still love on one another instead of packing up their crap and bailing, this lesson is hard to get.  And trying to be perfect in love to avoid making your partner decide they want to do something else is exhausting!  Save yourself the worry and believe this argument won't be the LAST ARGUMENT.

2.  You're going to need your girlfriends just like you did before you fell in love. So, come up for air and talk on the phone with your girls, have cocktails, coffee and tea with your girls, take trips with your girls. And leave HIM at home. And for goodness sakes, stay off text with him while you're out with your girls!  He's a big boy & can handle you having a life outside of him. Because he certainly has one outside of YOU. Mmmm hmmmm...

3.  As a couple you develop and grow at your pace.  Stop with the comparing, already!  When people ask you, "When are you getting married?" politely ask them, "Why is that important to you?"  That will end that.  Your task is to focus on building and maintaining a strong foundation and trusting your process not running to the bridal shop to make some arbitrary deadline you've created.    

4.  There are highs and lows in every relationship but mostly your relationship is in this average cruise control kind of place.  All that extra stuff you did when you first connected and were newly in love?  There becomes less and less of that as you grow more and more comfortable with one another.  And that's just fine.  It's a marathon  Not a sprint.

5.  If you don't love his children you don't really love him.  If he doesn't have any children, well…I guess this one ain't for you!

6.  And. And. And!  If you can't peacefully exist with the mother of his children you're really not as grown as you think you are. 

7.  Keep a white peace flag handy because you're gonna need it when s!$t gets real!  Somebody has to surrender their position in an argument to get to the place of resolve.  Give up the right to be right and work towards being heard and understood.  

8.  He doesn't know if you don't tell him. Speak up, dammit!

9.  Going to bed angry is simply not a good idea.  Like my mother used to tell me when I was a little girl and I was upset about whatever,  "Fix yo damn face!"  Love on that man before you say, "Goodnight" since tomorrow is not promised and there is plenty of time to work through whatever is troubling you.

10.  If he has 3 of your "Top 5 Must Haves," that cat is a'ight and worth exploring the possibilities with.  You likely don't have all of what he is looking for, either and you're still in the game.  Side note...if you have more than 5 "must haves" get thee a new sheet of paper and start all over!  You're probably doing too much.

I am hoping to be an above average student in the subject of having love and thriving in relationship.  The closer I pay attention, the better I perform when the tests come.  And there will always be tests!  We can have what we want!  Are you practicing being a lifelong learner by paying attention and taking notes?